I'm not really sure why, but I always seem to get depressed right around my birthday. I hate the impending well wishes, I hate knowing that I'm another year older and feel like I still have yet to accomplish anything significant in my life. I always end up feeling like people are celebrating my existance, when I think it's just a big mistake that I was ever born to begin with.
It's not that I wasn't loved as a child, or ever felt unwanted. I just feel like my conception started a chain of events that ruined other peoples lives. My mother has never realized her full potential because she settled for my father. Because she was pregnant. Instead of living a full and happy life, she dealt with an emotionally abusive alcoholic and isn't the person that she should have become. I feel guilty for that.
I feel like I'm ruining my daughter's life. I don't know how, but I do. She's loved and wants for nothing, but I can't help but feeling like I should be doing more somehow. Maybe that's just mommy worry, thinking that I'm not doing a good job. I don't know.
If I had never been born, I never would have met my step-daughter. That would have prevented the turmoil that she's most certainly going through now. To have a mom for years, and then all of a sudden, for reasons that a child can't understand, to have no mother at all has to be devestating. I can't imagine it. And at 13 she's coming to an age where she needs a mother most, and I can't do that for her because her father won't allow it.
I hate that I feel like this when my birthday comes around. Instead of celebrating all the joy in my life (and I know that there is plenty of it) I just look at all my faults. I see all the pain that I have caused, and may cause in the future. It makes not sense to me. But, it's like this every year. So, tomorrow, I will turn 31, put on a brave face and pretend to be flattered by everything, but inside I will just want to crawl into bed and never get up. Happy birthday to me.
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