It's amazing

It's amazing to think that you spend your life trying to make something work, just to find out that it was never working to begin with.

It's amazing to realize that someone that you thought loved you, really couldn't care less.

It's amazing to wake up one day and just know that there is no emotion left in anything that you do.

It's amazing to have to try and figure out what your next move will be, and how you will possibly move on yet again.

It's amazing to know that after all the tries, and false starts, and failed attempts, that being alone really is the only option.

It's amazing that no matter how much you try to convince yourself that you aren't hurt and that you'll be ok, you can't really believe it.

Sometimes the things that amaze me aren't good. But they are still amazing.

Jenny Dryerase - So sad...

I'm sure by now we've all heard about the remarkable "Jenny Dryerase", who quit her job through a series of photos where she wrote her message out on a dry erase board. I saw the link on Facebook, and as I scrolled through the photos I felt like this girl was a hero. I LOVED the concept, I thought it was amazing.



But, of course, it was all a hoax :(



I'm still pondering this stunt though, and still thinking about how it spoke to me, and apparently so many others, in this time of job uncertainty and economic stress.



I'm lucky. I love my job and the people that I work with. I don't make nearly enough money, but I do OK for a chick with an AAS in Teacher Ed. (Thank GOD I'm starting school in a few weeks. I need my bachelor's ASAP!) There are others of us though, that aren't so lucky.



I get the feeling that folks are hanging on to jobs for fear of being included in the next unemployment percentage on the news. People have taken jobs they think are below them, stayed in jobs they despise, and it's all out of fear. I understand that, I really do. And that's why I think "Jenny" spoke to us all.



She had the courage to say "screw the economy, forget the fact that it may be months or years before I find another job, I'm NOT going to stay where I'm unhappy". It took balls. Brass ones. I'm sure it's something that tons of folks would like to do, but simply can't. So, hat's off to Jenny Dry erase, even though she isn't real.

What to do, what to do.....

I love music as a way to express what I'm thinking and feeling. I often turn to song lyrics in order to say something more accurately. For example, the title of my blog is from a Billy Joel song called Summer, Highland Falls. The title of this post is from a song by The Drifters. I'm bursting with song lyrics from every genre, and soemtimes they infuse my speaking and writing without my even knowing it.

You can probably guess by the title of this post that I'm wondering what to do. I'm wondering where my life is going. I'm not quite sure which direction to turn in, even though some things are fairly well laid out for me.

School starts in just a few weeks. I'm really excited about this. I can't wait to start learning in a formal way again. Maybe that makes me a geek. I don't know.

The babe starts her new babysitter on the 23rd. I'm SUPER excited about this after all the nonsense and angst I've been through with my sister. I think it's going to be a much better situation for everyone. And maybe, just maybe, I won't have to kill my sister. I don't think that my mother would appreciate it.

My biggest dilema right now is what to do about the boyfriend. I love him. He's a wonderful man. I'm just not sure that we're right together. And frankly, if I'm not sure now, I don't know if spending years trying to figure it out is worth it in the long run. Here's the situation.

I know for a fact (don't ask how) that he's having an ongoing and inappropriate convo with someone through Facebook messages. It's sticking in my craw. And I've gotten to the point where I just think of us as roommates, because it makes me less likely to start breaking things in the kitchen. Essentially, if I was financially stable enough to call it quits, I would do it without even thinking. (God, that sounds terrible.) But, I have to think of the babe and make sure that I don't make any rash moves.

So, I'm left with the dilema of "what to do". Do I call him out? Do I keep simmering? Do I just disappear one day with no explanation? WHAT do I DO?

What would YOU do?

Brinner Experiments

So, last night I was trying to use up things that I had in the house for dinner. I had planned on making french toast, but it seemed pretty boring.

Amazing boyfriend had found a YouTube vid a few weeks ago where a woman made french toast out of a jelly sandwich (basically). He was interested in trying that out. Then we started talking about the delish Stuffed French Toast at IHOP (which, incidentally, he has never had). So I was thinking "hey, how about making our own?"

I picked up a package of cream cheese and some strawberry jam. I decided to make three different versions of the stuffed french toast, and we could decide what we liked best.

I beat the cream cheese with 1/3 cup of confectioners sugar. Then I split it in half, and added 2 tablespoons of strawberry jam to one half of the cream cheese mixture. (In hindsight 1 tablespoon probably would have been enough. It got a little runny).

I did a couple with just plain strawberry jam. They were tasty, but a bit too sweet for my liking.

I loved the cream cheese versions though. They were incredibly yummy!

The baby wasn't a fan, but it may have been because she was snacking while I was cooking. I never know with her :)

So, the verdict is - success! I should let myself experiment more often. I need to learn to trust myself more in the kitchen. It's never been my thing, but I would like to get to the point where I don't feel intimidated, or the insane need to have a recipe to follow explicitly.

Feeling Blah

I don't know what is going on with me. I'm feeling so blah today. I don't know what I want or need to feel better. I guess I'm just in one of my moods.

This week has been a doozy. I've been sick all week, combined with the joys of my monthly visitor, and now there is something funky going on with my eye. It hurts and the lid is swollen. I look like Quasimodo.

When I get in these little funks, I feel like nothing in the world is going right. I feel like I'm not loved enough, like I'm not good enough, and my self-esteem hits rock bottom. It makes no sense. I sure as heck can't figure it out.

I sorta just want to go home and lay in bed. I think part of my problem is the anticipation of Kendal being with her "father" all weekend. Sure, there aren't overnights yet, but still, I miss her all day while she's gone. It's hard.

Maybe I'll see if my wonderfulamazinghandsomefunnysweet boyfriend wants to do something different this weekend. We don't have either of the kids. Maybe a long drive. Just go exploring. That could be fun. At least tomorrow the sun will be out. Beats this rainy, gloomy day.

Children are germ bags

Yes, I said it. Children are little germ bags. They carry illness and pass it on like it's their job. And mine does it with a smile on her face and a song in her heart.

I took the babe to see her cousin at my parents house on Saturday. I get there, and my niece has snot running down her face like crazy. Wonderful. But I'm already there, so let the germ fest commence. The girls played and had a great time.

Sunday my little one decides she wants to sleep her life away, and by late afternoon there is that damn runny nose. Oh well. She's with her cousin almost everyday (my sister babysits), so I'm used to them sharing their colds. But that also means I know what's next.

That's right. You guessed it. I'm sick. As a dog. It got to the point today where my TEETH hurt I was so head-achy and congested. I barely made it home without having a nervous breakdown because of the endless dripping of my nose and the ache in my entire body. Why do I get it 10 times worse than the children that gave it to me? It's just wrong.

But, all in all, that's why there is Sudafed and Advil. Illness is just a hazard of the job. I'm just thankful that the baby isn't nearly as miserable as I am. She's just happy and running around. And I have to catch her every 10 minutes to wipe her snot.

Quiet Time

Sometimes, when the princess is napping, I get a little bit of quiet time to myself. I enjoy it. I may not do much of anything, but I think that's ok. I just bathe myself in the silence and lack of activity.

It seems that we're always on the go these days. It's a long commute during the week to work/babysitter. And every other weekend she spends with her bio dad. Although I treasure every second of our crazy lives, and I would never trade in any moment that I have with her (the good, bad, or screaming), it's moments like these when I enjoy a bit of quiet reflection.

Sometimes I think about where I've been. Sometimes I look at what the future holds. I am trying to learn the joy of just concentrating on the moment, though. It seems that so often we are all so caught up in the past or in what happens next that we forget to enjoy the here and now. I need to get better about that, because I don't want life to pass me by.

So for today, in whatever short amount of time I have left before she wakes from her nap and we're on to the next thing, I'm going to sit here and just enjoy NOW. I'm not going to think about what we have to do when she wakes up. I'm just going to be present right here, right now, and be thankful for everything that exists in this moment.