Birthday Blues

I'm not really sure why, but I always seem to get depressed right around my birthday. I hate the impending well wishes, I hate knowing that I'm another year older and feel like I still have yet to accomplish anything significant in my life. I always end up feeling like people are celebrating my existance, when I think it's just a big mistake that I was ever born to begin with.

It's not that I wasn't loved as a child, or ever felt unwanted. I just feel like my conception started a chain of events that ruined other peoples lives. My mother has never realized her full potential because she settled for my father. Because she was pregnant. Instead of living a full and happy life, she dealt with an emotionally abusive alcoholic and isn't the person that she should have become. I feel guilty for that.

I feel like I'm ruining my daughter's life. I don't know how, but I do. She's loved and wants for nothing, but I can't help but feeling like I should be doing more somehow. Maybe that's just mommy worry, thinking that I'm not doing a good job. I don't know.

If I had never been born, I never would have met my step-daughter. That would have prevented the turmoil that she's most certainly going through now. To have a mom for years, and then all of a sudden, for reasons that a child can't understand, to have no mother at all has to be devestating. I can't imagine it. And at 13 she's coming to an age where she needs a mother most, and I can't do that for her because her father won't allow it.

I hate that I feel like this when my birthday comes around. Instead of celebrating all the joy in my life (and I know that there is plenty of it) I just look at all my faults. I see all the pain that I have caused, and may cause in the future. It makes not sense to me. But, it's like this every year. So, tomorrow, I will turn 31, put on a brave face and pretend to be flattered by everything, but inside I will just want to crawl into bed and never get up. Happy birthday to me.

School is consuming my life. Already.

I'm 2 weeks in to my online classes. My life is already consumed by reading, posting, researching, and writing. I need to work on an assignment right now, but I also need to take some time to breathe. I feel like every waking moment that I'm not busy with the baby is filled with school work of some sort.

It's been a long time since I've had to think critically about anything. I'm adjusting well, but I forgot what a balancing act it can be. I know that I can do this. I just need to stay focused.

I have already seen some changes in the way that I approach my work. I am not waiting until the very last moment to being reading assignments. I've been trying to stay proactive, so that I'm not frantic and trying desperately to do things at the very last moment. I have always claimed that I thrive on stress, and to some degree I do, but I don't want to pull all-nighters or sacrifice time with my family so that I can write a paper, or just read one last essay.

So, enough of this procrastinating. I'm off to write a 2 page article analysis.

To My Best Friend

There are an infinite number of reasons that you are my best friend. So many, that I could not possibly list them all here, but I will touch on a few.

You are always there to pick me up when I'm feeling down about something or doubting myself. You are the queen of pep talks, advice giving (even though you think you give bad advice) and overall listening to the nonsense that spews from my mouth.

You are always willing to help plot the deaths of those who have scorned me, or just sorta pissed me off.

You know things about me that I don't even realize that anyone else knows.

You are the sister I always wanted. (Ok, I know I have a sister, but she's defective, so I pick you instead :) )

I would never have gotten through the last 7 (?) years without you. You are one of the greatest blessing in my life. I love you so much.

Happy Labor Day

It's funny. When I was a kid, I used to think that "Labor Day" had something to do with giving birth. I have NO idea where I got that from, but I suppose that this is the way that children's minds works.

When I got married, I associated Labor Day with my wedding weekend. Of course, that didn't turn out so well, but no big deal. Life goes on.

Now, I'm trying to find a new way to think about Labor Day. A day off, a day to rest and regroup, a celebration of the end of summer and the beginning of fall. It would be nice to be camping or at the beach, but I didn't think about that until too late.

I'm enjoying time with my family. I'm trying to catch up on some sleep (I've been abnormally exhausted for weeks, so sleeping in an extra day has been a godsend.) I'm preparing myself for the insanity that is about to ensue (school starts tomorrow). And I'm remember how truly blessed I am for everything in my life.

Oh, and there are only 14 days til my birthday! If that isn't something to celebrate, then I don't know what is :)

Happy Labor Day!

Last weekend of relaxation

Well, this long Labor Day weekend is going to be the last one that I can just kick back and relax. Classes start on Tuesday. Wow.

Now, I know that I'm just taking online courses, so technically I will be sitting with my feet up the whole time I'm doing coursework. But, I will have to think. I will have to research. I will have to write. I will have to do more than aimlessly feed animals and harvest crops on Farmville. (Oops, I think I just outed myself :) )

I'm really looking forward to all the opportunities that this is going to bring me. I can't wait to pick up on something that I never thought I would be able to finish. I'm still just in awe of it all.

I feel nervous because the classes are locked until Tuesday. I can't get a sneak at the syllabi so I can plan my life in advance. SO, I think the first order of business when I log in on Tuesday will be to print the syllabi and map out my life for the next 15 weeks. With all that I have going on (work, school, family) it's really important for me to plan things well.

There was so much that I wanted to do before school started. I wanted to work out my budget. I wanted to organize things at home more. I wanted to feel like everything was in place so that I could just think about school. But, in true Sandra fashion, I've done none of that. Because I know that I will be able to find time to do those things even with school. I think it's more important for me to just enjoy these last few moments before the insanity sets in.

So, on Tuesday, I will remember how to focus and think critically. I will NOT keep thinking about AFTER this degree (law school!). I will take it one day at a time and not get ahead of myself.

Bachelor's degree, here I come!

It's amazing

It's amazing to think that you spend your life trying to make something work, just to find out that it was never working to begin with.

It's amazing to realize that someone that you thought loved you, really couldn't care less.

It's amazing to wake up one day and just know that there is no emotion left in anything that you do.

It's amazing to have to try and figure out what your next move will be, and how you will possibly move on yet again.

It's amazing to know that after all the tries, and false starts, and failed attempts, that being alone really is the only option.

It's amazing that no matter how much you try to convince yourself that you aren't hurt and that you'll be ok, you can't really believe it.

Sometimes the things that amaze me aren't good. But they are still amazing.

Jenny Dryerase - So sad...

I'm sure by now we've all heard about the remarkable "Jenny Dryerase", who quit her job through a series of photos where she wrote her message out on a dry erase board. I saw the link on Facebook, and as I scrolled through the photos I felt like this girl was a hero. I LOVED the concept, I thought it was amazing.



But, of course, it was all a hoax :(



I'm still pondering this stunt though, and still thinking about how it spoke to me, and apparently so many others, in this time of job uncertainty and economic stress.



I'm lucky. I love my job and the people that I work with. I don't make nearly enough money, but I do OK for a chick with an AAS in Teacher Ed. (Thank GOD I'm starting school in a few weeks. I need my bachelor's ASAP!) There are others of us though, that aren't so lucky.



I get the feeling that folks are hanging on to jobs for fear of being included in the next unemployment percentage on the news. People have taken jobs they think are below them, stayed in jobs they despise, and it's all out of fear. I understand that, I really do. And that's why I think "Jenny" spoke to us all.



She had the courage to say "screw the economy, forget the fact that it may be months or years before I find another job, I'm NOT going to stay where I'm unhappy". It took balls. Brass ones. I'm sure it's something that tons of folks would like to do, but simply can't. So, hat's off to Jenny Dry erase, even though she isn't real.